Birth and The Middle Wife

A teacher of some fifteen years with two kids herself absolutely swears that this is by far the funniest and best birth or Middle Wife story ever. It comes from something rather hilarious that she witnessed in her own second grade classroom a few years back.

Remembering when she was a kid how she loved show-and-tell time, she began having a couple of sessions with her own students. As she tells it, this activity has always been a great help to young children who need to get over their shyness.

Each session would see the kids in her class  bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that, and she saw no reason to place any boundaries or limitations  on them. If they wanted to lug it in to school and talk about it, they were welcome.

Image by Jerome Ware via Flickr

The Middle Wife / Birth Demonstration

One day young Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, when Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate all his meals in there for nine months through an umbrella cord."

As Erica stood there with her hands on the pillow, the teacher did all she could not to laugh out loud, all the while wishing she had her camcorder with her. In the meantime, all the other kids are watching her in open-mouthed and concentrated amazement.

Erica continued -

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!" ... Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

"My Mom walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh,oh!" explains Erica who is now doing an absolutely hysterical duck walk while groaning.

Enter ... The 'Middle Wife'

Erica went on fervently - "My Dad called the Middle Wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on her car like the Domino's man does. The Middle Wife got my Mom to lie down in bed like this "  -  Erica then lay down with her back against the wall.

"Then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water that she kept in there (pointing to the pillow under her sweater) in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, my Dad and the Middle Wife -  like psshhheew!" -

Right around now Erica has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was just too much!

Erica continued with her story -

"Then the Middle Wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. The middle wife started counting, but she never even got past ten - all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that the Middle Wife said was from 'Mom's play-center' (placenta),  so I guess there must be a lot of toys inside there too. When he got out, the Middle Wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place."

Erica feeling proud and satisfied with her story telling abilities  stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

Well after all that, our Teacher felt sure she had applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, she now takes her camcorder with her -  just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

If you really want to know the meaning or the secret of life ... simple, ask a Second Grader, or a Middle Wife!

"Liked this one? Subscribe to our RSS feed and get loads more laughs!"

Celebrate Life with a 'Middle Wife!

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Mothers and Just Exactly Why Did God Make Them

Earlier this year, I wrote a post about 'What Do Real Mothers Do? - which  served to make us laugh as we read about the quirky but endearing way 'we mothers' are perceived. Again, and straight out of the mouths of babes, we have another! Now that we know 'what it is we do and who we really are' -   it seems the latest question about us 'mums' is........ 'Why Did God Make Mothers??"

I took the opportunity to ask my grand daughter exactly that question ...'why did God make Mothers' and her response was...

'To teach me and Daddy how to not mess up the house when it is clean'

Well, hate to say it and to have to tell you girls, but it seems our image and life purpose are in need of some good old fashioned 'awareness branding' overhauling...

No doubt these 'deep thought provoking' insights about why we are here will put a smile on your face, certainly worked for me....enjoy!!

Why did God make mothers?

• She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.

• Mostly to clean the house.

• To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

• He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

• Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring...

• God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?

• God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

• They had to get their start from mens' bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?

• We’re related.

• God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mum?

• My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.

• I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

• They say she used to be nice.

What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?

• His last name.

• She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?

• Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your Dad?

• My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.

• She got too old to do anything else with him.

• My Grandma says that Mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

• Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.

• Mum..You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed..

• I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What’s the difference between Mums & Dads?

• Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.

• Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

• Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.

• Mums have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mum do in her spare time?

• Mothers don’t have spare time.

• To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mum perfect?

• On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

• You know her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?

• She has this weird thing about me keeping my  room clean. I'd get rid of that.

• I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

Celebrate Life and Mums, and Life and Mums, and Life and.....!!!

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I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

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Someone told me the other day that at my age (???? - what generation am I?) I should be more than aware of the fact that ‘we,’ ‘ Baby Boomers’ are re-setting the levels and seriously making someone re-write the book on retirement, old and middle age, marriage, parenting, grand-parenting and socially acceptable mid to late life behavior and dress standards.

Unlike our parents, and certainly their parents before them, we are doing it (and everything else) 'our own way'.  Are we actually achieving anything? Personal opinion and those of our friends and peers would have me answering with a resounding ….YES!

Ask our kids, and they would likely tell you that, right now is not a good time and that they are busy enough without having to worry about 'our' behavior and irrational decisions.  They would likely proceed to add, with staunch conviction' that it is about time we started ‘acting our ages’ and ‘taking things a little easier’. Oh dear, we are not still embarrassing the little munchkins are we?

Seems, from a great article by Penelope Trunk titled ' What Generation Are You Part Of Really,? Take This Test,' -  I am in the Generation X group – this is due to the fact that I know how to use a computer, I can email, upload and download music, I have my own web-page and so on and so forth.

May I say however that as good as I am at using all this new found knowledge and equipment, when it comes to a breakdown of any size or magnitude, it is enough to send me seriously looking for a significant alternative such as a ‘sea-change’ or ‘ a nice quiet retirement home.’

Penelope also suggests that ‘We should determine our generation not by our age but by how we use media', she also goes on to recommend that 'We should not judge people rigidly by the years they were born.'

Penelope’s article is a most enjoyable read and she also provides an interesting test that she has put together.  So if you are really keen to know just where you sit in this 'Gen Era Ladder of Importance', visit Penelope at her site, do the test at Penelope Trunk.com – add up your points and you too will be able to figure out what generation you're really a part of.

Oh dear Penelope, we cannot thank you enough.

Celebrate Everything!!

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by Karyn Buxman

Cancer. It's not the type of thing you ask for -- usually.

Who'd want it? A life-changing, sometimes life-ending disease. Cancer's so scary that there are people who won't say the word aloud...but I was saying it regularly, begging God to let me be the one with cancer. My son, a strong, smart, energetic 22-year-old junior at the University of Missouri, woke up one morning with an aching chest. It turned out to be a malignant tumor, and the start of my most fervent prayers. "Please. I've had a great life. Let it be me -- not him."

I can't even describe that time in our lives accurately. It went by in a blur -- and not the fast paced blur you enjoy while you rocket along the roller coaster's tracks, but a confusing, often terrifying inability to really understand and deal with what was going on. There were months of chemo. He had surgery. His hair fell out.

The boy who could empty a refrigerator in the blink of an eye now wouldn't eat -- everything tasted metallic, and he had no appetite. And through it all, we wondered: would he ever have a girlfriend, a family, a life...

I'd spent twenty years studying therapeutic humor. I"d written about it, spoken on it, spent years of my life convincing colleagues, peers, and audience members that laughter plays an important role in our lives. Now, it was time to walk the walk. It was hard, I won't kid you about that. Finding something to laugh about during one of the toughest times in our lives sometimes required conscious effort.

Yet sometimes, thankfully, if we would just let it, it would just happen. We'd find ourselves laughing at the situations life presented. Humor was a saving grace for all of us.

There was a time for tears, but there was a time for laughter. Many times, actually.

Some of the best laughs came from David's roommates, who dubbed him Captain Cancer. One was a red-headed Italian color-blind art student. She saw Davids newly bald head as a marvelous canvas and begged to decorate it with colorful markers.

He also found support at work. He worked as a bouncer at a local bar. The man he worked the door with was known as Tonto, and my son was The Lone Ranger.

Following one of his treatments, a bunch of his buddies visited the bar. Afterward, David announced his new nickname, bestowed by his friends: Chemo-sabi!

Many patients long for humor during their healing process.

Allen Klein, author of The Healing Power of Humor, surveyed patients who were terminally ill about their feelings about humor. A vast majority (80%!) wished to laugh more. They wanted more humor -- from the people around them. They also wanted the freedom to use humor themselves.

Humor can be used proactively, to help heal both the body and the spirit. To do this, you can:

Play: Make a Play List. This is a list of 10 low or no-cost things that are fun for you. Then, when you're not feeling well, do something from the list. You dont wait until you feel better to play. You play and then you feel better.

Make sure you have a stock of toys"Magic 8 balls, Koosh toys, whatever makes you smile"available.

Surround yourself with pre-packaged laughs. Collecting funny books, magazines, movies and cartoons is a great way to keep the humor going. Ask people to tell you their funniest story or most embarrassing moment. Save jokes and funny stories.
Spending time enjoying your collection can perk up even the toughest days.

Choose to surround yourself with people who share your appreciation of humor. The world is full of serious, downbeat folks who view the world through mud-colored glasses. Leave them alone, as much as possible: that type of mood is contagious, and you don't want to catch it! Ask people to make you laugh -- and do your best to make them laugh. Surround yourself with joy as often as possible.

To live well, you must laugh. That's one of the pivotal lessons I learned from my son. He's cancer free now, for four years. And he's also my inspiration: for his courage, his gentle spirit, and of course, his sense of humor. It's my honor to say that he's my hero.

Learn more about the (http://www.karynbuxman.com/) healing power of humor  by visiting Karyn's website. And if you're looking for hysterical
(http://www.journalofnursingjocularity.com/)  nursing humor make sure to check out the Journal of Nursing Jocularity Grab a totally unique version of this article from the Uber
(http://www.uberarticles.com/home.php?id=3160621&b=15733)
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This post was submitted by Lorrette.

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7 Funny Baby Onesies Sayings
by Jenny

Funny things exist in this world that make it a little better place. Babies are definitely on the list of things that bring more joy to the world. Personally, I love see a baby wearing a funny baby onesie.

Below are seven cute baby onesie sayings that make me laugh.
To fully enjoy these sayings, try visualizing a cute baby you know wearing them.

#7 "No Mistletoe needed." This one is really funny around the holidays. Let's admit it, most baby's probably get kissed more than they would like.

#6 "Milk Tester." Baby's are connoisseur's of fine milk. They will let you know if the milk passed the test by either spitting it up or keeping it down. Poor little guys have to taste test a lot of milk.

#5 "The New Boss." Any parent who says this isn't true, is most likely lying to you. The good news is that the new boss is very cute and fun. The bad news is that he still whines a lot.

#4 "Poop Happens." Let me tell you, it happens a lot. At first changing my baby's diaper wasn't a huge deal, now I have to wear a mask.

#3 "No hair day." Hey, why not? They have a day for every other group that has something different about them.

#2 "Caution I bite." Most Mother's don't enjoy the fact that their baby bites. A baby onesie with this saying can serve as a reminder.

#1 "I love to boogie." Babies who like to be held by their Mother while dancing are adorable. Babies who eat their own boogies, not so much.

Hope you have enjoyed the quest to find the funniest baby onesies sayings out there. There are a lot of funny baby onesies sayings. Everyone has a different sense of humor and you could probably find some funnier sayings than these.

Think you have a funnier saying? Read the author box below to find out how to place your own saying, or one of these, on a baby onesie.

Jenny is a stay-at-home mom and an avid baby clothes shopper. Visit her site to find out how to place
(http://www.babyonesies1.com/baby-onesies-funny-sayings/)
cute baby sayings on
(http://www.babyonesies1.com/baby-onesies-funny-sayings/)
baby onesies.

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