Dear Diary - Flatulence, Shooting Ducks and an iPod!

Dear Diary ....

Now I know that you are wondering what on earth flatulence could have to do with shooting ducks and an iPod, but just stay with me on this, please ...

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Found myself at lunch with with two 'old' friends, Cate and Ann, last week and I must say,  aside from the fact that they clearly are looking and behaving their age,  both girls were in fine form.  Now although we had a bit of a late start (took us a while to find each other - a little mix up again on which restaurant we were supposed to be going to) we had a splendid time until Cate's very obvious flatulence problem had her shooting ducks and this time in time with music she was listening to on her iPod!

Unfortunately though,  I suspect it might be sometime before we will be welcome to lunch there again.

Lately Cate has taken to constantly listening to her iPod, a recent present from her grand-daughter.

Frankly in my opinion I see the whole matter as a clear case of raw 'discrimination'.  I mean who in their right cotton-pickin mind could possibly believe that a 'mature age women' would even contemplate passing wind for fun and amusement or simply to annoy other people ...  RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF LUNCH,  AND IN A FLIPPING RESTAURANT AT THAT!!!!!?????

Now really, what happened was innocent enough - Ann and I excused ourselves to visit the 'ladies room' - Cate did not want to come along and opted to remain at the table, turn up the sound on her iPod and have a quick listen to her favorite rendition of Pavarotti doing  'Nessun Dorma'. When we returned to the table not only was there a distinct and bad odor in the air, but 'all hell was raging' around Cate as well.

As Cate tells it - while enjoying the song on her iPod she suddenly and desperately needed to pass wind (she does suffer terribly with flatulence the poor dear). Unfortunately for Cate, she plumb forgot she was actually listening to her iPod and thought that as the music was really, really loud,  she could time her pump offs with the beat of the music and no-one would be any the wiser.

Well next thing she knew here she was right smack in the middle of her now embarrassing and unanticipated '15 minutes of flatulence fame' surrounded by an angry young restaurant manager, his bevvy of under 21 year old wait staff and 5 or 6 unintelligible diners!

Now,   I clearly remember both my parents (in their later years) and grandparents regularly 'shooting ducks' and sounding something akin to 'kids backyard pop guns' as they moved about the house.   I mean isn't this flatulence and shooting ducks phenomena something that not only happens involuntarily but very naturally with age?  Of course trying to explain these, what I like to call 'fart facts' to a wet behind the ears restaurant manager and his staff somehow seemed only to be causing us more grief.

Oh dear me dear diary, then ... Ann using her usual annoying 'counsel for the defense' imitation only made matters worse when she climbed (and mind you this is not at all a good look for Ann either) onto a chair and announced that 'Cate's only crime was that she had innocently forgotten she was listening to the music on her iPod and where she was (anyone her age does that all the time, right!) and that is how she came to be so freely and loudly 'SHOOTING DUCKS' in the middle of the restaurant.

Of course 99.9% of the people in the restaurant had no idea what on earth Ann was on about or what the term shooting ducks means. When the manager reached up to grab Ann and pull her off the chair she promptly kneed him on the chin ... knocking him out cold!

Before you could say 'flatulence, shooting ducks and an iPod' a diner who just happened to be a police officer had marched Ann out of the establishment and into a waiting police car.  Apparently on the way to the police station Ann managed to 'tick the officer off' rather badly when he inquired as to what on earth 'shooting ducks' meant ... and ... she gave him her best and loudest 'flatulence demonstration' right there in the enclosed vehicle!

Perhaps this is the universes way of telling us it is time to start having lunch at home where many enjoyable moments can be spent giving into to natures flatulence demands, listening to an iPod and shooting ducks!

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Sharing a glass or two of champagne with two girl friends after seeing the stage show 'Menopause', we laughed as we reminded each other of some of the funny though 'true to life' situations the show had presented.

It was about then that our picture of ourselves (50ish) clearly came into view and the discussion turned dark.  We were comparing notes about how and what life at 50ish was about and how it had affected each of us individually.

Yeegads!...our stories were so similar. Suddenly we found ourselves acknowledging,  similar feelings, situations and a common and much maligned enemy ...’standing in front of the mirror’.

We all agreed that this one seemingly insignificant action, unmercifully and with all the love and warm affection of a record temperature raging hot flash .....could plunge us into a 'mind numbing state of  'Eisoptrophobia' (fear of mirrors).

Along with not being prepared (with any real clarity) for puberty, menstruation, sex, childbirth, childrearing or menopause....it was now apparent that neither of us had any idea about how to care for a woman our age.

For instance, each of us had been somewhere between a Size 6 and Size 8 for some 40+ years now.  We had also been successfully dressing, feeding, grooming, exercising and generally taking care of ourselves without any problems for just as long....until recently!!!

After one or two more glasses of bubbly while comparing our individual experiences, we managed to come up with the following - agreeing that each of us had suddenly found ourselves living with and being responsible for a woman we knew little about.

Dressing her:

• she complains and says everything looks awful on her, is too tight and just plain  uncomfortable
• her family and some friends do not approve of what has been chosen for her to wear either
• she wont wear anything sleeveless claiming she no longer has under arms – she now has wing spans

Shopping for her:

• is getting harder and harder - everything is too ‘young’ for her
• even trying on  swimsuits can scare her into next week. Nowadays her boobs are busting their chops to get up close and comfortable with her ankles and anything without proper and sensible support is not worth considering

Putting her make-up on:

• she and everyone else complains  her eyeliner is crooked and that there is too much mascara on her lower lids, hence giving the term 'panda eyes' a really bad look
• she complains her lipstick is bleeding into the corners of her mouth and is perhaps the wrong colour anyway
• her family and friends say that she and her makeup are definitely at odds with one another

Feeding her:

• the things she used to love eating now give her heartburn, gas, hives etc
• she complains that her food is too heavy/ too spicy
• everything she eats congregates at hip level

Exercising her:

• it was only last year that she could do 50 minutes on the cross trainer
• she gets tired more quickly and its not the buzz it used to be
• if she manages a good session, she is laid up for two days
• she is starting to look like her mother in her gym gear

After all this, and now on a positive note, Bethany mentioned that she had recently read some articles about medical science doing much to ensure that people our age have plenty to smile about. One such example:

• it seems we are able to now keep our natural teeth longer.  Wonderful!

So along with a mouthful of teeth, apparently science has also been gleefully pointing out that ‘our brains in fact change and adapt with age’.  Well if that is supposed to be a good thing,  why is it that they suggest ‘the most common problem people face as they age, is remembering things’.

They go on to say that we should:

• remember that our memory is fallible
• not rely on our memory when it comes to medication, driving directions or other things with specific details
• write down important stuff to remember on a pad or use an electronic device like a PDA

and, our absolute favourite of these was:

• practice doing things – for example visit somewhere new in advance.

Aaha! we concluded – So this must be the often cryptically referred to "change of life"  that our mothers used to talk about!

In closing I will leave you with this thought  -  Millions of women are entering the second half of their lives and what they really need is not what many people think.

It’s not about our greying hair, sagging boobs, work in progress wing spans, a few wrinkles or even being on the serious side of the big 50….

After selecting the champagne to toast our ‘new lives’-

Simply!  ‘It’s being fully prepared for dealing with ‘the new us’ and knowing how to do it with style’.

If you enjoy having a bloody good laugh at ageing, then take a look at this Video below it is a scream -

Celebrate Life at Every Age

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