I can't think how many times I have made statements like - 'You can bet your life, the minute I do, say, go, get etc etc.....that whatever it is that I have 'anticipated by virtue of  natural law'...happens!

Anyway, here are a few you may already be aware of -  and probably a few news ones for you to add to your repertoire. If you have any you can add to this list, please leave a comment as I am certain this list should be a lot longer than it is.  Enjoy....

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease , your nose will absolutely begin to itch and you'll have to have a pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Variation Law
If you change lines in a queue (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than  the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath/Shower
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone always rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a gym locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick

If you are like me, because you are trying to remember that one really 'funny law' you heard last week - you can bet your life it will slip your mind and you will probably remember it later on down the track at some inappropriate time.

Celebrate the Law of Life, and Laugh

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The Corporate Management world is full of strange and wonderful characters.  No doubt, if you have been,  or know of someone who is,  a 'Management Wonderling' - you may well recognise your own or their particularly unique talents from the line-up below:

The CEO

* Leaps tall buildings in a single bound,
* Is more powerful than a locomotive,
* Is faster than a speeding bullet,
* Walks on water.
* Is God.

Director

* Leaps short buildings in a single bound,
* Is more powerful than a shunting engine,
* Is faster than a speeding bullet,
* Walks on water if the sea is calm.
* Talks to God.

General Manager

* Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds,
* Is almost as powerful as a shunting engine,
* Is just as fast as a speeding bullet,
* Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
* Is acquainted with God.

Project Manager

* Barely clears a prefabricated hut,
* Loses a tug of war with a locomotive,
* Can fire a speeding bullet,
* Swims well.
* Talks to someone who knows God.

Administration

* Makes high marks on the wall when trying to clear tall buildings,
* Is run over by a locomotive,
* Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring himself,
* Dog paddles.
* Says he knows God.

Operations

* Runs into buildings,
* Recognises locomotives two times out of three,
* Is not issued ammunition,
* Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
* Passes the buck.

Supervisor

* Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings,
* Says, “Look at the choo-choo”,
* Wets himself with a water pistol,
* Plays in mud puddles.
* Prays.

Secretary

* Lifts buildings and walks under them,
* Kicks locomotives off the tracks,
* Catches speeding bullets in teeth and ears,
* Freezes water with a single glance.
* Is an atheist.

Although rare - a particularly good opportunity to see all these amazing characters demonstrate other hidden talents and abilities is at annual conferences and other such company management get togethers!!

Aah, I do remember well!!

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• Sensible and Cost Effective Green Building

I believe anything that contributes to a smile or a giggle these days deserves to be recognised.  Came across these Twenty Five Lines To Make You Smile yesterday - if you have any others leave a comment so that we can add them to the list.  Enjoy....

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer with insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No-one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

8. I'm not a complete idiot - - some of my parts are just missing.

9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

10. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

15. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

16. Procrastinate Now!

17. I Have a 'Degree in Liberal Arts'; Do you want fries with that?

18. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

21. Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

22. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

23. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

24. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

25. 80% of success is 'just showing up'

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Laughing out Loud

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This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble, an American company,  regarding their Flexi-Wings feminine products.

She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It apparently was PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Although this is funny - what is really amazing is that it is true.  Ok, this is a woman thing but I expect in this day and age some guys out there would get a giggle out of it as well..enjoy

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with 'homicidal maniacs in Capri pants'... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Yours truly

Well, I just had to share this.  Everytime I read it...I laugh.  The letter was copied exactly as I received it, and I apologise if any part of it has offended any of our readers.

Aaah,  girlfriends we do manage to 'wear it well' when we are ticked off.  What was that saying.....What is the difference between an angry pitbull and a women with PMT?..thats right...'lipstick'.

Hang In There Girls - Let em know when it is time to back off!!

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Look what I found while browsing YouTube for a video that a friend of mine had just loaded up.

This is one hilarious video about a new drug the FDA has approved for the annoyingly chipper. So if you are, or if you know of anyone who is 'cripplingly chipper' and 'too happy' ............this could be the answer.

Kinda don't believe that this is true...may be a setup, what do you think??

Enjoy....

Cheerfully Yours!

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cuckoo-clock

Girls Night Out

If this girls night out tale does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

Anne went out for a night with the 'girls.' She told her husband that she would be home by midnight.  Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, Anne headed for home.

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and ''cuckooed' 3 times. Quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, Anne 'cuckooed' another 9 times.

She was pretty proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her husband. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning Anne's husband asked - 'What time did you get in'?  Anne replied 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, she thought,  got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When Anne asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit' - cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Celebrate Hicoooo!! Life

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Why not mail a brick to a junk mailer today!

Does the gentle tinkling of  'devine karmic revenge' turn you on????

Like me you are probably sick to death of spam mail that stuffs up your in-box and direct junk (bulk) mail that stuffs up your post office box and home mail box.

If you are one of the millions of people out there 'not looking for cheap medications or seeking to have larger private parts', then you probably are seriously over it, and are looking for ways to block pesky unwanted emails and other junk mail.

#Suggestion:  Give spammers something to keep themselves busy .....

1.  Getting Spam Bully or a program that gets 'emailers' to verify that they are a real person and not a spam emailer. Once they do this, their emails will come through without any problem. And the Spammers?... well they just don’t have time to deal with this for each and every email they send out.

dear bulk mailer

2.  Why not mail a brick to a 'junk mailer' today!

Now if #2 has sparked your interest, appeals even just a little bit and you really feel you would enjoy a huge gutfull belly laugh at some junk mailers expense...then read on..

officeofstrategicinfluence.com will fulfill your twisted and  desperate sense of, and need for, junk mailer revenge and comeuppance.  How?.. you ask....

..by offering this hilarious collection of methods designed to not just tick off bulk and junk mail spammers but also to give you the therapeutic benefit of a thrilling sense of wicked enjoyment.

There are step by step instructions for mailing a housebrick, an old broken blender and even old text books to the well deserving junk mailer.

Another great 'mail tale' about a guy who kept ignoring his dentist bills goes like this....

Now this chap must have had the worlds most patient and non-confronting dentist ever because.....

Finally after some time, another bill arrived with this notation  -   "This Bill Is Now One Year Old....Please Settle This Account Immediately"..

Image via Wikipedia

He mailed it back to his dentist with this notation -   "Happy BirthDay"

Keep Smilin While Mailing Bricks!!

Click Here!

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All Things Google

Here is a 'DailyScrew-Ups Quicky' folks:

While surfing around the web if I come across something I feel is unique, funny or right out of the box I will feature or blog on about it here on Daily Screw-Ups  for readers and DSU Fans.

This excellent and rather fun blog post by Kate McNally featuring the Google Toilet Paper idea as well as offering up other quirky and imaginative ideas for Google's next ventures caught my attention and nudged the sweet spot of my sense of the ridiculous.

'When you're already wiping the floor with your competition you might as well take it as far as you can go. Why not allow your adoring fans to wipe their asses with the sad excuses for rivals whose butts you're kicking?'...suggests Kate.

With the launch of Google Chrome web browsing it appears these  ideas started coming to mind about what  Google could do to expand its already huge and diverse empire.  

Absolutely worth the read folks..enjoy!!

Read The Full Story - 6 Odd Inventions Google Could Extend Its Empire With

Googles of  Hugs!!

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Ha ha - Have some fun, give this Dementia Test a go as honestly as you can, no-one has to know how you score unless you tell them.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence..

Take this little test to determine if you're losing it or not.  The pictures between the questions and answers below are so you can try not to look at the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Image via Wikipedia

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Image by Thiophene_Guy via Flickr

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany

(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany )

Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do  so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany  and West Germany

Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?

Image via Wikipedia

Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.  If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator.

You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales

In London , 17 people get on the bus.

In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on.

In Swindon , two people get off and four g et on.

In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on

In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

Image via Wikipedia

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

So how did you go?? C'mon be brave and let us know by leaving a comment.

I must admit I had seen a couple of these before - but I did answer 'green bricks' for the greenhouse,  'milk' to the cow question and I could not name the bus driver. Oh Hum...but do I care...think not!!!

But happily I can report that apparently 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Yours Ageing Beautifully

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Handy Hangover Hint for the Hungover

Saturday mornings find me out on our deck reading the weekend Bulletin Magazine and when I read Michael Jacobson's Handy Hint for the Hung Over I just had to post it and share it with you.

I can't help but sympathise with anyone suffering the after effects of one of those joyously 'not so much food but far too much alcohol' kind of occasions.

But this guy takes the cake - now,  this hint also comes with a timely warning for the morning after  -  'Get things right in the bathroom when you are suffering from a hangover'!!

Gentleman in question reported too that he has had to seek medication to ease the discomfort of his alcohol blurred actions.

After going the full 9 yards on a fun filled night of 'jolly juice' the hero of this story woke at round lunchtime the following day in a state of severe mental depletion and made his way to the bathroom.  It is here, Michael Jacobson reports that things went horribly wrong.

After brushing his teeth he reported 'his gums had never been pinker or tauter'.

Image via Wikipedia

So the moral of the hint and of the warning is -

'Always be sure which tube contains the toothpaste and which one holds the haemorrhoid cream.'

'Tight buns' look great - 'tight gums'..well that's questionable.

Keep Smilin

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Aah, the marvelous minds of children, and the things they say!!

I recall many years  ago enjoying a show where kids were interviewed and asked to give their opinion on various subjects.

Their answers were pretty funny and at times, depending on the subject, downright embarrassing for some of the respective parents.

The following answers were given by some Elementary School kids when questioned about the Old and New Testament and are just too funny.

These answers were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected - any spelling errors have been left in.

A 1: In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

A2: Adam and Eve were created from an Apple Tree.  Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an Ark and the animals came in pears.

A3: Lot's wife was a Pillar of  Salt during the day but a Ball of Fire during the night.

A4: The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with Unsympathetic Genitals.

A5: Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles.

A6: Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made Unleavened Bread which is bread made without any ingredients.

A7: The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

A8: The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

A9: The Seventh Commandment is Thou Shalt Not Admit Adultery.

A10: Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

A11: David was a Hebrew King who was skilled at playing the Lair.  He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical Times.

A12: Solomon, one of David's sons had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

A13: When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus she sang the Magna Carta.

A14: Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

A15: It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

A16: The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

A17: The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.

A18: One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a Taximan.

A19: St Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached Holy Acrimony which is another name for marriage.

A20: Christians have only one spouse.  This is called Monotony.

God does have a sense of humor

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Just another frustrated customer!!

If you are like most people, call centre operators have at some time or another, really ticked you off..right?   Call Centres would have to be top of the pop (should that be poop) list for their sometimes  remarkable ability to provide little or 'no service' .

I could beef on all day about some of these guys, I mean if they don't like the job...leave!! Don't hang in there just waiting to annihilate us when we are just trying to resolve a real product or service problem we have.

I want to ask the guys who train these operators a question.  What is the criteria, if any, for selection for these types of  jobs?

The mind boggles.

A recent true 'No Service Policy' example

A woman spends weeks trying to sort out a prepaid phone account which had been overcharged.  After her repeated calls to the customer service centre - get this - 'she was hung up on by one of the offshore call centre operators'.

This gets even better

A little while later, she gets a call from the company's customer service division doing a survey on the quality of its customer service. Of course,  she leaps right into telling her story by giving the operator some meaningful feedback about her recent experience - and,  you guessed it - 'after only a few questions the survey consultant hangs up on her'!!

There is still  humor in all this

The same day I heard about this story,  this 'fun email' taking a plug at life from the call centre operator's point of view made its way into my in-box:

Electronics Provider

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I believe it means the telephone point on the wall'.

If you have any stories of your own please email me as I would love to feature them on Daily Screw-Ups, alternatively you may provide it by way of adding your comment to this post.

The video below is another example of  'Call Centre/Help Desk Humor'..enjoy

Cheers

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