Birth and The Middle Wife

A teacher of some fifteen years with two kids herself absolutely swears that this is by far the funniest and best birth or Middle Wife story ever. It comes from something rather hilarious that she witnessed in her own second grade classroom a few years back.

Remembering when she was a kid how she loved show-and-tell time, she began having a couple of sessions with her own students. As she tells it, this activity has always been a great help to young children who need to get over their shyness.

Each session would see the kids in her class  bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that, and she saw no reason to place any boundaries or limitations  on them. If they wanted to lug it in to school and talk about it, they were welcome.

Image by Jerome Ware via Flickr

The Middle Wife / Birth Demonstration

One day young Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, when Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate all his meals in there for nine months through an umbrella cord."

As Erica stood there with her hands on the pillow, the teacher did all she could not to laugh out loud, all the while wishing she had her camcorder with her. In the meantime, all the other kids are watching her in open-mouthed and concentrated amazement.

Erica continued -

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!" ... Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

"My Mom walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh,oh!" explains Erica who is now doing an absolutely hysterical duck walk while groaning.

Enter ... The 'Middle Wife'

Erica went on fervently - "My Dad called the Middle Wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on her car like the Domino's man does. The Middle Wife got my Mom to lie down in bed like this "  -  Erica then lay down with her back against the wall.

"Then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water that she kept in there (pointing to the pillow under her sweater) in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, my Dad and the Middle Wife -  like psshhheew!" -

Right around now Erica has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was just too much!

Erica continued with her story -

"Then the Middle Wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. The middle wife started counting, but she never even got past ten - all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that the Middle Wife said was from 'Mom's play-center' (placenta),  so I guess there must be a lot of toys inside there too. When he got out, the Middle Wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place."

Erica feeling proud and satisfied with her story telling abilities  stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

Well after all that, our Teacher felt sure she had applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, she now takes her camcorder with her -  just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

If you really want to know the meaning or the secret of life ... simple, ask a Second Grader, or a Middle Wife!

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Celebrate Life with a 'Middle Wife!

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Mentally Disturbed or Disturbingly Mental

Dear Diary

Just back from visiting someone ... anyway I really must remember this particular visit so that is why I am telling you all about it and about my mentally disturbed friend Edna.

Image by The Rocketeer via Flickr

Aah Dear Diary, now just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Now in our case, this of course applies to everyone we know ...  our stable, unstable and/or mentally disturbed or, as Arthur always puts it ... our 'disturbingly mental' friends and family.

This diary note is about Ralph and Edna.  We grew up with Ralph and Edna, we were there when they graduated, then again when they got engaged (to other people) and then of course again when they became engaged and then married to each other.  I think that is when things went strangely wrong, they loved each other, but sady it appears they literally drove each other 'crazy'.

Aside from their mentally disturbed dispositions and the fact that they have both been long time patients in a very pretty and well situated mental hospital some 450 miles away...!! we think and have always thought of them of them with great affection.

So herein is the mentally disturbed tale that I tell ...

Story goes though that one day while they were walking around the mental facility swimming pool, Ralph tore off his gown, then his pajamas and with the utmost of 'gay' ... no sorry, wrong word ... wrong word ... 'enthusiastic' abandon he jumped into the deep end. In medical terms this is perhaps confirmation that Ralph was then showing no signs whatsoever of being healed from his current 'disturbingly mental condition'

Now two things are very pertinent here - 1) Ralph hated water (always had) and 2) Ralph couldn't swim!

Result? ... He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna on the other hand has not only been 'mentally disturbed' for most of her adult life, she also has what can only be described as an acutely annoying 'hero complex', oh! and as it happens, she is and always has been a surprisingly strong swimmer.  So ...  clothes and all, she just promptly jumped in to save Ralph who by this time was firmly planted face down on the bottom of the pool.

Edna confidently swam to the bottom, pulled him out, gave him CPR, firmly lifted him into a wheel chair and then with the speed of something akin to an Olympic  sprinter, she whisked him off towards the hospital's main building.

Edna hooray, is no longer mentally disturbed! ... Really?

With monotonous regularity the hero worship thing started rather quickly. It was some 3 to 4 hours later that the Head Nurse  became aware of Edna's heroic act.  Well she was so impressed at what she termed as 'Edna's obvious and miraculous recovery' - "Heaven be blessed she cried - the woman is no longer mentally disturbed and should be immediately discharged from our hospital, as clearly she is now mentally stable".

She went to tell Edna the good news, but sadly she also had some rather sad news for Edna as well.

"Edna, I have good news and bad news my dear. The good news is you are going home, you are going to be discharged.  What a hero you are Edna dear and since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping into the deep end of the swimming pool and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind and you are no longer a victim of 'disturbing mental' behavior .

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna stood up slowly and confidently announced,  'But, Nurse, Ralph didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry... Now ... How soon can I go home?'

So Dear Diary, sadly we have no more Ralph.  Edna on the other hand is still 'safely tucked', er ... being 'well looked after'  in that very pretty and well situated mental hospital 450 miles away  ....

So dear readers, please do your bit today by remembering all of your mentally disturbed family and  friends ... I just did my part by remembering Edna and Ralph!

If the story above made you laugh - then go ahead have another good laugh - get a load of this hilarious video below ... enjoy!!

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Great Thinkers – Fun is Not a Luxury

by Cathryn Johnson

With the recession hitting many Americans where it hurts – in their pocketbooks – spending on leisure, entertainment and fun has taken a big hit. Out-of-job families are managing their money, and the first thing that usually goes is spending on entertainment. And I have noticed that not only are my out-of-work friends cutting back on leisure spending, but they are also cutting back on fun in general. They tend to be in a more solemn mood. Friends that once sat around and light-heartedly joked with one another, tend now to be tensed and reserved. Sure they have a lot on their minds. But, giving up “fun” is not the answer. In fact, that is part of the problem. Fun is a key to success.

Being happy and having a light-hearted attitude generally attracts success. It helps one to think clearly while portraying a more friendly and approachable attitude (which helps in job interviews). In an effort to motivate, inspire and challenge us to keep having fun, despite life’s circumstances, I have compiled a list of ten quotes about the importance of fun from successful people throughout history:

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.

Dale Carnegie (1888 – 1955) – an American writer, lecturer and the developer of famous courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking and interpersonal skills

It is a happy talent to know how to play.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882) – an American philosopher, essayist, and poet, best remembered for leading the Transcendentalist movement

I never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun.

Katharine Hepburn (1907 – 2003) – an American film, television and stage actress who holds the record for the most Best Actress Oscar wins with four

It's the game of life. Do I win or do I lose? One day they're gonna shut the game down. I gotta have as much fun and go around the board as many times as I can before it's my turn to leave.

Tupac Shakur (1971 – 1996) – an American rapper who has sold over 75 million albums worldwide

If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.

Herodotus (c. 484 BC – c. 425 BC) – an ancient Greek historian

Creative ideas flourish best in a shop which preserves some spirit of fun. Nobody is in business for fun, but that does not mean there cannot be fun in business.

Image via Wikipedia

Leo Burnett (1891 – 1971) – an advertising executive who created the Jolly Green Giant, the Marlboro Man, Toucan Sam, Charlie the Tuna, Morris the Cat, the Pillsbury Doughboy, the 7up "Spot", and Tony the Tiger

You gotta have fun. Regardless of how you look at it, we're playing a game. It's a business, it's our job, but I don't think you can do well unless you're having fun.

Derek Jeter (1974 – present) – an American professional baseball player

I never did a day's work in my life. It was all fun.

Thomas A. Edison (1847 – 1931) – an American inventor, scientist, and businessman who developed many devices including the phonograph, the motion picture camera, and a long-lasting, practical electric light bulb.

Have fun in your command. Don't always run at a breakneck pace. Take leave when you've earned it, spend time with your families.

Colin Powell (1937 – present) – an American statesman and a retired four-star general in the United States Army

Fun is good.

Theodor Geisel (1904 – 1991) – an American writer and cartoonist most widely known for his children's books written under the pen names Dr. Seuss, Theo. LeSieg and, in one case, Rosetta Stone

Cathryn Johnson is a content writer for Online MBA Rankings who gives advice on the education, pursuing an online mba and living a healthy life.

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Dear Diary - Flatulence, Shooting Ducks and an iPod!

Dear Diary ....

Now I know that you are wondering what on earth flatulence could have to do with shooting ducks and an iPod, but just stay with me on this, please ...

Image via Wikipedia

Found myself at lunch with with two 'old' friends, Cate and Ann, last week and I must say,  aside from the fact that they clearly are looking and behaving their age,  both girls were in fine form.  Now although we had a bit of a late start (took us a while to find each other - a little mix up again on which restaurant we were supposed to be going to) we had a splendid time until Cate's very obvious flatulence problem had her shooting ducks and this time in time with music she was listening to on her iPod!

Unfortunately though,  I suspect it might be sometime before we will be welcome to lunch there again.

Lately Cate has taken to constantly listening to her iPod, a recent present from her grand-daughter.

Frankly in my opinion I see the whole matter as a clear case of raw 'discrimination'.  I mean who in their right cotton-pickin mind could possibly believe that a 'mature age women' would even contemplate passing wind for fun and amusement or simply to annoy other people ...  RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF LUNCH,  AND IN A FLIPPING RESTAURANT AT THAT!!!!!?????

Now really, what happened was innocent enough - Ann and I excused ourselves to visit the 'ladies room' - Cate did not want to come along and opted to remain at the table, turn up the sound on her iPod and have a quick listen to her favorite rendition of Pavarotti doing  'Nessun Dorma'. When we returned to the table not only was there a distinct and bad odor in the air, but 'all hell was raging' around Cate as well.

As Cate tells it - while enjoying the song on her iPod she suddenly and desperately needed to pass wind (she does suffer terribly with flatulence the poor dear). Unfortunately for Cate, she plumb forgot she was actually listening to her iPod and thought that as the music was really, really loud,  she could time her pump offs with the beat of the music and no-one would be any the wiser.

Well next thing she knew here she was right smack in the middle of her now embarrassing and unanticipated '15 minutes of flatulence fame' surrounded by an angry young restaurant manager, his bevvy of under 21 year old wait staff and 5 or 6 unintelligible diners!

Now,   I clearly remember both my parents (in their later years) and grandparents regularly 'shooting ducks' and sounding something akin to 'kids backyard pop guns' as they moved about the house.   I mean isn't this flatulence and shooting ducks phenomena something that not only happens involuntarily but very naturally with age?  Of course trying to explain these, what I like to call 'fart facts' to a wet behind the ears restaurant manager and his staff somehow seemed only to be causing us more grief.

Oh dear me dear diary, then ... Ann using her usual annoying 'counsel for the defense' imitation only made matters worse when she climbed (and mind you this is not at all a good look for Ann either) onto a chair and announced that 'Cate's only crime was that she had innocently forgotten she was listening to the music on her iPod and where she was (anyone her age does that all the time, right!) and that is how she came to be so freely and loudly 'SHOOTING DUCKS' in the middle of the restaurant.

Of course 99.9% of the people in the restaurant had no idea what on earth Ann was on about or what the term shooting ducks means. When the manager reached up to grab Ann and pull her off the chair she promptly kneed him on the chin ... knocking him out cold!

Before you could say 'flatulence, shooting ducks and an iPod' a diner who just happened to be a police officer had marched Ann out of the establishment and into a waiting police car.  Apparently on the way to the police station Ann managed to 'tick the officer off' rather badly when he inquired as to what on earth 'shooting ducks' meant ... and ... she gave him her best and loudest 'flatulence demonstration' right there in the enclosed vehicle!

Perhaps this is the universes way of telling us it is time to start having lunch at home where many enjoyable moments can be spent giving into to natures flatulence demands, listening to an iPod and shooting ducks!

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Annoying cat behavior and the moggy with a

mind of its own!

Do I agree with this statement above - Annoying Cat Behavior? Hardly! Well to be fair,  its the word 'mind' that I question.  Don't get me wrong, I am an avid cat (Moggy) lover, but you have to ask yourself if these sometimes annoying cat friends of ours have any brains at all with some of the things they do ... like playing in toilet bowls, chasing their own shadows, freaking out at the sight of their own shadows, getting stuck in fish bowls, to name a few.

A frequent complaint from owners (myself included) of  annoying felines is about their ability to switch you off  and out of their world and space in a  furry purry instant, and then ... not only will they set about to completely ignore you, they develop this snooty  'oh phuleeese, not now' attitude to boot!

So Why Did Most Of Us Get Ourselves An Annoying Cat In

The First Place?

Let me ask you this, did you invest in this 'highly opinionated fur ball' just so it could lay around on your best jumper, suit, leather lounge etc all day and deposit furry calling cards especially for you?

Or, perhaps you just plain luv 'em anyway!  Maybe you inherited the cat from a relative or someone who secretly did not like you ...??? Or maybe the kids wanted an annoying cat and you knew they would hold their breath till they turned blue if you did not agree! ... Questions, questions, questions and all about the same annoying subject - 'annoying cat behavior'.

Aha, OR ... was it because someone told you if you had a cat ... YOU WOULD NEVER, EVER, EVER ....EVER.... HAVE MICE!!!

Yes ... that was it, wasn't it? Yes of course, and that dear readers,  is exactly the reason that this unsuspecting, feline loving, annoying cat loving person made their decision .... AND ...

Look what popped up in my in-box this week, these hilarious pictures of a moggy and a mouse that truly defies the laws of the nature. Our warm thanks to whomever is the photographer!

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED .... could this not truly be considered as a classic example of ....'Annoying Cat Behavior'

So, what indeed was the end result for this poor misguided 'moggy'?  I guess he should have seen it coming ....

FOR  SALE  :

One  'Totally Useless and Annoying Cat'

Celebrate Life With One Enormous .... Purrrrrr!!

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