Planning To Have Children? Then This Is a Test You Must Take

Written by Lorrette 40 Comments
Last Updated:: April 16, 2009

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The leap from being a DINK-couple (double income no kids) to choosing parenthood and planning to have children is not for the feint of heart.

: Image via Wikipedia

Without a doubt it is a decision that has resulted in many a calm, even-tempered and balanced individual being reduced to uncontrollable sobbing and requiring sedatives or varying degrees of therapy.

This 'Test' will either have you in stitches of laughter or swearing under oath to give up any thought of having children and feeling only sympathy for anyone you know who has, or is about to have children of their own.

So, prior to launching into manufacturing and producing your own unique little human beings, you might want to take this hilarious but very true to life test to eliminate any doubts about your resilience and ability to retain at least (on the surface) some degree of sanity in your future role as a 'seemingly responsible parent'.

To obtain a true and accurate indication of your potential, it is recommended, that each Test is fully completed, good luck!!

The Mess Test

Smear peanut butter all over the sofa, curtains and carpets. Stuff a fish stick behind the sofa and leave it there until the next seasonal spring clean - this could for example be all summer.

The Toy Test

Get some boxes of lego, some building blocks and match-box cars. Have someone else (a friend) spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and try to walk from one end of the house to the other.

Remember, do not scream or yell out as this could wake a sleeping child.

The Supermarket Test

: Image by mr brown via Flickr

Borrow one or two 2 to 4 year old children from one of your friends. Take them with you when you shop.

Remember, while shopping, you have to keep your eyes on them at all times and pay for anything they eat or damage.

The Dressing Test

Visit your local fishmonger and take along a small net bag. Ask if they would allow you to try to stuff one large, preferably unhappy, live octopus into the small net bag.

Remember to make sure that all the arms stay inside the bag.

The Feeding Test

Get a large plastic milk jug. Half fill with water and suspend it from the ceiling with rope or cord. Start it swinging - then try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal or custard into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an aeroplane.

Remember you must be both animated, vocal and smiling all the time.

The Night Test

Fill a small cloth bag with sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3pm start to waltz and hum with the bag in your arms until 7pm. Lay the bag down and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up the bag and sing every song you have ever heard to the bag.

Remember to gaze lovingly at the bag all the time.

Make up about another dozen or more songs and sing these to the bag until 4am. Set your alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast for yourself and your spouse.

Now keep this up for at least five years. Remember, look cheerful.

: Image via Wikipedia

The Ingenuity Test

Get a milk carton, a ping-pong ball and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

The Car Test

Forget the sports car and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and shove it in the glove box.

Leave it there. Get a coin and stick it into the cassette player.

Take a family size packet of chocolate chip cookies and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.....

There, perfect!!

: Image via Wikipedia

The Physical Test (Women)

Get a large tub of yogurt place it in a sunny corner of your kitchen for at least a couple of weeks. For the next 8 months, at least twice a day, smear it on everything you wear and don't forget to dab some on your shoulders, neck and arms.

This will ensure that you smell like sour milk and/or old cheese.

Get a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Try not to notice your closet full of designer clothes you won't be wearing them for a while.

The Physical Test (Men)

Smear soft boiled egg and sloppy cereal on every tie you own. Get some of the yogurt your wife has cultured and each day smear some on the front of your shirt .

Remember, hurriedly remove excess with a damp soiled bib just before you leave for the office.

Go to the Pharmacy put your wallet on the counter and tell the salesperson to help themselves. Now go to the nearest food store and arrange for your pay to be directly deposited into the stores bank account. Buy a newspaper, go home and read it peacefully for the last time.

The Final Assignment

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on improving their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and their child's table manners.

Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild or make any unnecessary noise.

Finally, enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

PS - If you have any ideas on some additions that should be included into this 'pre-parenting test' then leave them in a comment and I will include them.

C'mon Mums..... I am sure that you can help us expand this list no end, give me your feedback and ideas, leave a comment below.

Yours Proudly Bearing Child Rearing Scars!!